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Tuesday, 05 August 2014 21:22

Brian Scalabrine Announces He's "Coming Home" With Hilarious Article

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LeBron James isn't the only person "coming home" this year.

In a tremendous piece that parodies LeBron's famous "I'm Coming Home" Sports Illustrated article, former Celtic Brian Scalabrine announced on Monday that he was coming back to the organization as a commentator for CSNNE.  He notes that he will be teaming with long-time broadcast partners Mike Gorman and Tommy Heinsohn in the booth, sitting next to Gorman and learning from Tommy.

The article, first posted on the channel's website, is almost identical to James' soliloquy, talking about Scal's childhood, playing career, and tumultuous coaching stint in Golden State last year.  He speaks on his stature as a beloved figure in Boston, his departure to play for the Bulls to seek another title so he could "maybe even crash the podium", his time coaching in the D-League, and even his "Scallenge" where he played one-on-one with Boston fans who thought they could take the "White Mamba".

Scalabrine didn't even have to get someone to write the article for him, as his piece starts out by saying: "By Brian Scalabrine, as told by Brian Scalabrine".  What he told himself in the article is tons of fun, and representative of the guy that NBA fans, especially those in Boston, have grown to love.

From the moment I signed with the Celtics, I knew this was my new home. Most of the people are just like me.  They work hard, they play hard, and the passion they have for their sports team is unlike anywhere in the world. I had passion for my team just like the fans.  I guess I was kind of like the fans except I had a courtside seat for free and if we were up by 20 with less than two minutes to play I would get to go into the game.

Remember when I spurned the Celtics and signed with the Chicago Bulls in 2010?  Actually I begged Ainge to keep me and he wished me the best of luck.  I was thinking, "This is really tough."  I could feel it.  I left something I had spent five years creating.  I haven’t paid for a meal since 2008.

 I will always think of Chicago as my third home and Oakland probably as my fourth home…but not like downtown Oakland, more like the suburbs.  Without the experiences I've had in these places, I wouldn’t be able to do what I’m doing today.

I went to Chicago because of Tibs and D-Rose and the crazy energy of Joakim Noah, and it was my only job offer in the states.  I loved becoming an everyday customer at Giordano’s Pizza, the free meals were back.  I loved the fans and the creation of the White Mamba by Stacy King. 

I’m doing this essay because I want an opportunity to explain myself uninterrupted...and gather some great press based on another recent NBA signing...in almost the exact same way.  I don’t want anyone thinking: He and Mark Jackson didn’t get along … The Bulls and Warriors couldn’t put the right team together … Does anyone really care what Brian Scalabrine is doing right now? 

I may have a press conference, and I am definitely having a party.  And all of Boston will be invited.  And when we are done, we will still have a few months before we have to get to work.

I always believed that I’d return to Boston and finish my career there. I just didn’t know when. After the season, I went to see 22 Jump Street. Then, I saw They Came Together with Paul Rudd and Amy Poehler. It was delightful. But I have two girls and one boy. We have a lovely family. I started thinking about what it would be like to raise my family in Boston, well not like downtown, more like Metro West or at least twenty minutes outside the city.

The last time I was in the Boston, the fans were all over me.  They said I didn’t have it any more, and they challenged me to games of one-on-one.  They called it the Scallenge, and I gave those fans a Beantown beatdown.  I took the ball, took their pride, and showed them what the White Mamba was all about.  They wrote me letters and asked for my autograph.  Some even invited me to their weddings, it got a little weird.  

I’m going into a situation with a young team and a young coach.  I will be the young Comcast SportsNet announcer in the booth next to the legendary Mike Gorman and learn from the greatest color analyst in the game Mr. Tommy Heinsohn. I know that I have a lot to learn but I see myself as a Champion, and I think I can help break down some great Marcus Smart dunks this season.  I think I can elevate Kelly Olynyk’s game by the amount of research I make my interns do before announcing road games.  And I can’t wait to reunite with Rajon Rondo, one of my favorite teammates.  Paul, KG, and Ray may have all left, but Rondo and the White Mamba remain in Boston, at least for now.

I’m going into a situation with a young team and a young coach.  I will be the young Comcast SportsNet announcer in the booth next to the legendary Mike Gorman and learn from the greatest color analyst in the game Mr. Tommy Heinsohn. I know that I have a lot to learn but I see myself as a Champion, and I think I can help break down some great Marcus Smart dunks this season.  I think I can elevate Kelly Olynyk’s game by the amount of research I make my interns do before announcing road games.  And I can’t wait to reunite with Rajon Rondo, one of my favorite teammates.  Paul, KG, and Ray may have all left, but Rondo and the White Mamba remain in Boston, at least for now.

In Boston, nothing is given.  Remember in the movie The Departed when Francis Costello said, “No one gives it to you.  You have to take it.”  That was a great scene and a great Boston movie.

I’m ready to accept the Scallenge. Boston, I’m coming home.

The full article can be found here, while the original LeBron James Sports Illustrated piece can be found here

Adam Belue

My name is Adam Belue, I'm from Fall River, MA, and I'm a sports fanatic.  I'll watch and write about just about any and every sport, even the fringe ones that aren't really sports like bowling, poker, and ultimate frisbee.  I'm a huge Green Bay Packers fan, and a self-proclaimed New England Patriots hater (and proud of it!)... which makes my job in a sporting goods store quite interesting.  I'm a big fan of the other local teams (Bruins, Red Sox, and Celtics), along with the Alabama Crimson Tide and college football as a whole.  I may be a bit obsessed (or a lot obsessed) with Taylor Swift, and I've seen her in concert four times so far... some of the best times I've had by the way her concerts are quite the experience!  I'm also a huge tennis fan, and have played the sport for a good majority of my life.  I wish more people watched and appreciated tennis.  I'm currently a part of the Boston Bruins and Boston Red Sox Beat Team on CLNS Radio, and post a weekly fantasy football and college football column during the season.